(no subject)

Monday, 9 July 2007 14:37
"I bet you spent all day buying cute baby stuff."
"I don't do cute baby stuff. I bought him a book."
"A book?"
"Appropriate first present from his academic uncle."
"I bet it's an eight-hundred-page monograph on modern European history."
"You'd bloody think so from the amount they charged me for postage."
"You have, haven't you? You've sent him a history monograph."
"In that it's about the history of kittens."
"What's a baby going to do with a four-man tent?"
The very happy, very drunk, very glad-to-be-home man singing "You Are My Falkirk" to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine".

(no subject)

Friday, 12 May 2006 23:23
Reading off names and details of conference delegates to my supervisor. We've been doing this for about half an hour, and it is not the most exciting task in the world.

Me: Bill so-and-so, from such-and-such university, staying in whadjimacallit accomodation, paid already.

Supervisor: Right.

Me: Tanya so-and-so, from such-and-such, staying in wheresit, paying on the day.

Supervisor: Right.

Me: Alvin so-and-so, from - no, wait. Allen so-and-so and Alvin so and so. Two people. They're -

Supervisor: *starts giggling*

Me: ...what?

Supervisor: Chipmunks.
Reason number #27: Someone finds a dead bat in their coffee mug.

(no subject)

Tuesday, 31 January 2006 00:46
We took the dog for a walk in the freezing fog a couple of hours ago. On the way home, she spotted an Interesting Shape on the road and decided to go over and say hi. So we said "Come on, it's not that interesting," but she insisted.

It was a pair of large, furry gorilla slippers, and a study guide to Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry.

The dog wins.

(no subject)

Saturday, 22 October 2005 16:41
Just outside my house, I got attacked by two little kids wielding plastic lightsabers. After a fair amount of theatrical dying and mock hand amputation:

Me: Wait a minute. Are you two Jedi or Sith?
Kid #1, with blue lightsaber: I'm a Jedi, because I'm Obi-Wan. But he's Count Dooku [*nodding towards kid with red lightsaber*]
Me: Then why are you both attacking me?
Obi-Wan, to Count Dooku: Yeah. Why are you attacking her?
Count Dooku: *looks ashamed*

No wonder the Jedi fell.

(no subject)

Tuesday, 11 October 2005 15:24
One of my students just compared me to a fictional torturer.

We're talking about variants of Red Riding Hood. (For an academically sound reason, honestly!)

Student #1: It's not just a werewolf, it's a werewolf from Russia.
Student #2: ...what?
Student #1: Werewolf. From Russia.
Student #2: Ohhhh. I thought you said 'from Wishaw'.
"Remember to pay attention to where the line breaks are, because you had better be turning that off right now it can really make a difference."

I've turned into that tutor. Great.

(no subject)

Monday, 9 May 2005 13:36
Campus Wildlife: chirp
Students: Aww.
Wildlife: chirp chirp CHIRP
Students: *close window*
Wildlife: ka-SQUAAAAWK
Students: *sigh*
Wildlife: Quack.
Students: ...
Wildlife: Quack quack quack, quack quack, quack quack QUACK QUACK QUACK!
Student near window: Shut the duck up.


Monday, 2 May 2005 16:03
"So he's saying God appointed the king?"
"He's saying that it's God who puts the power of being a king into someone, but it's the people who then appoint him to be the king. So he's still not king until then, although he's got some kind of kinginess already. Does that make sense?"
"Sort of like the Potentials in Buffy?"
"Exactly like the Potentials in Buffy."


Tuesday, 12 April 2005 10:11
Suddenly-in-tears-for-no-reason housemate turns out to be perfectly fine; her twin sister, 200 miles away, had just got some really bad news.

They've done this before. It's still creepy.
Brother: How do you know that the light in the glove compartment goes out when you close it?
Dad: It just does. Leave it alone.
Brother: But how do you know? I bet it doesn't.
Dad: Leave it alone.
Brother: Look, if I press this bit in, then it thinks it's closed but the light stays on.
Dad: Leave it alone.
Brother: I'll fix it. *muffled clunking sounds*
Dad: Leave it alone.
Brother: Okay, it's fixed. Um, but if you want to turn the light on again, you have to sort of pull this bit out at an angle so it-
Dad: Leave. It. Alone.
Brother: All right, I'll fix it properly. Do you have a screwdriver?
Dad: Leave it alone.
Brother: It's okay, I've got it
Glove compartment light: *dies completely*
Windscreen wipers: *also die*
Indicators: *also die*
Dad: *carefully navigates around other traffic, going steadily paler*
Brother: You need a new car, Dad. This one's useless.


Wednesday, 2 February 2005 09:53
One of the department secretaries is hobbling round with her leg in plaster.

Student: What happened to you?
Secretary: My dog knocked me down.
Student: Was he driving a bus?

(no subject)

Friday, 7 January 2005 14:04
Young, Very Drunk Man In Expensive-Looking Suit: *weaves across pavement and 2/3 of road*
Me: *waltzes neatly past him*
Him: Hey, you! You there!
Me: Uh-oh. *keeps walking*
Him: Hey! Girl with the boots!
Me: Yes?
Him: Your boots!
Me: Yes?
Him: They were made for walking, weren't they?
Me: ...yes. Yes, they were.
Him: My shoes weren't! Have a nice night!

They were ordinary black ankle-boots, last I checked. But I was tempted to click my heels three times and see if they took me somewhere less odd.



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